It isn't a secret I spent most of 2023 in the trenches. Becoming a mom was one thing that I dearly wished for my entire life... and yet here I was depressed and in the ruins of my own thoughts. I watched my infant become a baby... and soon into a toddler. I wasn't kind to myself by any means. But do you know who was? God.
My depression wasn't as bad as it was in the start. I don't think I could go back there if I even tried. The emptiness was deafening. But God heard my cries. God heard me begging. Boy did He hear me, even when I didn't listen to Him. I was bitter in that time frame. I was simply a shell of who I once was, and if we are being honest... a year later, there is still some of "Chelsea" missing. Maybe that part of me is suppose to stay gone. Regardless, I gave up on God when He held me close.
Most recently, I went back to those ways. The bitterness, that is. I woke up mad. I woke up and did not care. I binge ate. I cooked in a hurry and got James to bed as quick as possible.. that way I could go to sleep faster and forget everything just for a little while. There was no eye problems, there were no leg problems, no pain.. just sleeping my life away while I put everything on my husband.
Jordan knows. Jordan will always know how I feel. I don't even need to talk. It's weird, that man knows me better than I know me. He knows how my heart ticks. He knows the guilt I carry, and the pain that I hide. After all the yelling, bickering, and crying.. he still stays. He's never thought twice, and for that... I am so thankful.
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Those days didn't last long this time. I was shocked back into reality by God. I overheard a sermon that Jordan was listening to that put things into perspective for me. I prayed for the 1st time in a while.. and that led me to reading my bible again. It had been weeks since I opened it up. I've always had this thing where I just let God tell me what to read.. I close my eyes and count to three. Wherever my finger lands, that is the book I read. I read 5 chapters every morning. However.. that morning... the book.. and the chapters I read is what I desperately needed. Everything my heart needed was there. I read out loud most of the time.. that way I understand it. However.. I sometimes get a little into it.. LOL!
Over the last few months, I've learned to let go of things I cannot control. That.. that is one of my major flaws in life. My heart has the worst time letting go. I've cried many tears to get to this point now.. where I am in more of an understanding with God. I've a firm believer that God will never give you anything you cannot handle.. even if you think the opposite at that time of suffering. I am also a firm believer that it is better to suffer here on Earth than suffering in hell.
You'll always fail God, there is no way around it. But the Lord will never fail you.
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"No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it."- 1 Corinthians 10:13
The last month has been an eye opener for everyone in the Gamble house. Jerry is home and doing pretty good. He is doing things more independently but of course still needs some help. School is going really well.. and will be wrapping up within a month and a half. Besides that.. I have a lot of content work to catch up on and get ready for release. I am very excited about it!
until next time
xoxo,
Chels
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